Shame plays an important role in keeping our communities and society running smoothly. The unpleasant feeling of humiliation when we perceive we’ve done something wrong is what helps us obey laws and adhere to society’s expectations of us. Shame can last a few hours, or even a few days, and it can be a useful reminder of the impact of our words and actions.
Unfortunately, in some cases, that feeling of shame doesn’t fade with time and can develop into an all-pervasive feeling of worthlessness that is damaging to a person’s mental and physical health. No matter how long you have been suffering, you can heal from shame. We have compiled five practical steps you can take today to begin your recovery journey.
Am I feeling shame or guilt?
It’s easy to confuse shame and guilt. Both make us feel miserable and both are responses to something we perceive we have done wrong. The difference between shame and guilt is that when we feel shame, we view ourselves in a negative light and when we feel guilt, it is our actions that we view negatively. A 2005 George Mason University research paper suggested that feelings of guilt are less disabling than shame and are more likely to motivate an individual in a positive direction toward making amends or change.
When does shame become toxic?
When we feel shame, we are focusing our judgement on ourselves rather than our actions. It makes us feel unacceptable, unlovable, and powerless and left unchecked, it can open the door to damaging perceptions of ourselves. Low self-esteem and shame are linked and longer-term, feelings of shame can lead to depression, suicidal ideation, anxiety, eating disorders, PTSD, and substance abuse.
How can I heal from shame?
You can heal from shame and live a more content and fulfilling life. Here are the five steps you can start with today that will help you on the road to recovery.
Be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes and understanding that nobody is perfect can be very freeing. Remind yourself that your mistakes are just that, and not a reflection of who you are. Would you encourage your best friend to forgive him or herself for a mistake? You are worthy of the same forgiveness, love and concern.
Shine a light on shame. The more we keep it hidden, the more power shame holds over us. Share your thoughts with someone in your life that you trust, and feel your burden immediately become lighter. A friend is someone who loves you in spite of your flaws and mistakes. If you listen closely to them, does their opinion of you help put your feelings of shame in perspective?
Practice mindfulness. Meditation can be a powerful way to reshape your thoughts, and if formal meditation feels unachievable, informal daily check-ins can help you observe your thoughts and begin to recognize the presence of any negative inner voice that is holding you back. Acknowledging negative self-talk is the first step toward reframing how you speak to yourself.
Self-understanding. How did you reach this place? What were the experiences that led you here? Journaling, talking to someone you trust or drawing or even painting about your feelings may help you identify the reasons for your shame. Understanding the reasons for the choices you have made in life may help you accept and forgive yourself, making you more aware of the things that trigger reactions and guiding you to a place where you can observe and understand, rather than criticize, yourself.
Psychotherapy. Working through shame is not an easy task, and psychotherapy is an important tool in recovering. Psychotherapists are trained to provide a compassionate, supportive environment to help people identify and discuss their feelings, and strategies to help with healing. A psychotherapist is also trained to see and help treat other factors that are causing you pain, such as anxiety, depression or substance abuse.
The most important message is that you are not alone. Shame is a common emotion, and you can loosen its grip on your life. Family Relations Intervention is experienced in helping people work through shame with healthy coping strategies, and the goal of self-forgiveness, self-compassion and moving forward. Contact us today to hear more about how we can help.